Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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