i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
