We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
