I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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