the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
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If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
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I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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