Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
