I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
