We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i would one night stand the shit outta him
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
