You made me cry and you don't even care
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
