Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
