Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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