Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
