When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize