i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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