My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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