booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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