I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
