May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
