Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
