i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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