I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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