i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
