My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Another day, another engagement, another cat
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
