Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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