Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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