I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
