Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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