Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
