I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
