I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
