Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
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You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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