life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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