guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
did i just pee glitter
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