There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
