and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
