At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
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