U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My bed is full of blood and feathers
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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