i just wanna soil my oats bro
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
