I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
