i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you had me at cake vodka
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
