here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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