I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
