A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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