What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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