I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
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It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
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Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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