tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
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What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
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So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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