When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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