I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
