i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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