I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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