rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
