sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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