Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm both gender and math confused
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
