Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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